Pump, Pump, Pass…

Hey y’all,

Baby Cozi has arrived and it has been a whirlwind of diaper changings, bottle cleanings, fall-asleep feedings, and pumping. I would love to chat about the whole of it all but I want to dedicate this entry to my journey with the pump because I know there are a lot of moms struggling just like I was/am. For the first few weeks of her life, I was exclusively pumping because for the life of me I just couldn’t get her to latch. I started out using the Medela breast pump during our hospital stay but I was barely producing any colostrum. I got maybe a couple of drops after every twenty-minute pump, it wasn’t enough to sustain my baby so I felt defeated right out the gate. Our hospital stay was lovely (the staff and lactation consultant were wonderful) but incredibly stressful because I was doubting my ability to feed my baby. Her glucose was low, I was producing barely any colostrum and there was concern she would have to be moved to the NICU. I really didn’t want my baby to formula feed but out of fear of further hospitalization I conceded to the nurses advice and supplemented her feeding. I was happy to have my baby fed but there was a part of me that felt less than because I wanted to breastfeed so badly. I gave latching a few more tries before we were discharged but found little to no success on my own. When the lactation consultant visited for the last time we were able to get Cozi on my breast but I was not confident in my skills to pull it off without help. Not to mention the fact that I felt like the weight of my breast on her chest was crushing her so that added an extra deterrent. 

Once we got her home we continued to supplement her feeding with the formula the hospital gave us while I impateintly waited for my colostrum to increase. It took a couple of days before I even began producing (which is so dumb because how is that helpful) I was discouraged and angry at my body for not doing the very thing I needed it to do. I kept at it though I was using my Lansinoh pump every two hours trying to draw out colostrum and on the third day I had pumped an entire ounce of the liquid gold. I was ecstatic that I could finally rid myself of formula. There is nothing wrong with formula but it is just not how I envisioned feeding my child #crunchymom. I kept to a schedule of pumping every two hours and I was producing a ton of colostrum enough to store at least a bottle ahead in the fridge. My production was going strong for about two weeks so I decided to “take a night off” and didn’t pump through the night I just slept while Dakarai took care of her night feedings. When I woke up in the morning my breasts were extremely swollen so I immediately had to pump but I noticed a dramatic decrease in my production after that night. I learned the hard way to NEVER TAKE TIME OFF FROM PUMPING UNTIL YOUR MILK IS FULLY ESTABLISHED which takes almost 12 weeks! But when I tell y’all I needed that night of sleep, I was so tired and just tired of pumping in general. The night pumping was completely wiping me out and there are several times when I actually fell asleep while holding the flanges up to my breast. 

If I can be honest I hated pumping, I hated being tied to one spot for hours out of my day, I hated the wires and cords, I hated holding those dumb cups up to my chest, and I absolutely loathed the amount of time I spent cleaning my pump parts. And with my production decreasing my hatred only grew because now I had to introduce power pumping into my schedule. For those who don’t know power pumping is when you pump for twenty minutes, take a ten minute rest, and then pump for ten minutes within the span of an hour. All in all you end up pumping for thirty minutes and its pretty intense. I was power pumping twice a day, stuffing myself with all the foods recommended to increase supply, drinking herbal teas, and self expressing desperately. It was miserable and it didnt work I ended up having to return to formula to supplement because my milk just wasn’t there and my baby was only getting hungrier. 

My sister was also attempting to breast feed (we had our babies two weeks apart) and ran into the same wall as I did. She eventually chose to formula feed and passed on her hands free pump to me. I was at my wits end with my Lansinoh because as my milk slowly returned (my breasts were becoming swollen again) the pump just wasn’t emptying them. I tried everything from new duck bills to flanges, I bought three different sizes and nothing worked. I was beginning to think it was me until the first time I used the new pump. Before I was struggling to make 2 ounces and that is both breasts combined but suddenly I was getting 4 ounces out of my right breast. It was like the veil had finally lifted and I could see the light! I started exclusively using the other pump and it drastically changed my view on pumping because I was no longer tied down. It still took up a better portion of my day but at least I had the option to do other things.

I was excited to be producing the correct amount so my confidence was up and with this new found hubris I decided to try latching again. And wouldn’t you know it, we got a latch! I was actually breastfeeding my baby and it felt so good. After almost a month of trials and tribulations I was breastfeeding my baby. I exclusively breastfed for the next few days but began lactating at times that she wasn’t feeding so I went back to pumping to contain the extra. I am not at a point where I have freezer stock so don’t be discouraged but I am able to have a bottle ready in case she doesn’t want to latch, which still happens or in case my nipples need a break. I am still pumping more than I nurse because she falls asleep more often when nursing and can sometimes be a lazy latcher. It is definitely a work in progress but this is my journey and I am proud of both of us for making it through. 

Feeding your child mothers milk is demanding, frustrating, and time consuming but those peaceful moments of just you and baby make it all worthwhile. If it’s tough I encourage you to keep trying every journey to nurse looks differently and it is hard when you don’t have the right support. Lactation consultants should be free and materniy leave should be longer so I understand if nursing just isnt for you. I know the only reason I have been able to keep this up is because I had the luxury of deciding how long I wanted to be out of work and have a partner at home to help with everything else. I hope me sharing my story has helped you to keep on trucking or at the very least let you know youre not alone. However you choose to feed your baby you are doing an amazing job and I am so proud of you.