Dear friends,

I’ve been off Instagram for about two weeks now. Realizing it’s already been that long honestly surprised me time has passed so quickly, and yet, I didn’t even notice.

The truth is, it’s not that I needed a break from content creating. It’s more that I haven’t been able to wrap my head around it at all. I’ve been consumed, overwhelmed, and paralyzed by what’s happening around the world. Doomscrolling became my main activity trying to prepare myself mentally for the next collapse, taking in too much, and holding it all in my body. I lost track of time.

It feels like I’ve been hunkered down, waiting for the other shoe to drop not just for the past few weeks, but for years. Since the Trump presidency began, really. I’ve been mentally bunkered, even while living this beautiful life I’ve built and dreamed of.

But I haven’t been able to fully enjoy or appreciate that life, because I’ve been trapped inside my mind living as if the world has already ended.

In these two weeks away from posting, I also noticed I haven’t really been outside. I’ve gone to the grocery store. I’ve done my routines. I got my hair done. But I’ve seen my friends less and less. I’ve seen the people I care about less and less. I haven’t made the effort, and the time has just… gone.

And here’s the part I’m not proud of: I stopped building community because I felt disappointed in my community.

Seeing people I’ve worked with, admired, collaborated with watching their silence, or their indifference, or the way they treat politics like something optional has felt like betrayal. I’ve felt so disillusioned by people’s refusal to engage, to vote, to even care in any consistent, grounded way.

And in that betrayal, I completely withdrew.

I forgot that community isn’t just about being with people you agree with. It’s about staying with people through tension. Through misalignment. Through imperfection.

But instead, I locked myself away.

And the longer I stayed locked away, the harder it became to trust people again. Even those closest to me. That mistrust began to shape the way I move, the way I think, the way I show up (or don’t). It’s a kind of self-inflicted imprisonment. And I want out.

To free myself, I know there are some things I need to shed certain identities, expectations, even ego. I need to become a student again.

So while the community garden is still happening this year, my focus is shifting. I want to show up elsewhere to other farms, other spaces. To listen. To learn. To rebuild trust not just in others, but in myself.

Because I can’t do this alone. I don’t want to do this alone.

I’m not trying to reinvent myself or start over. I just needed to say this out loud. To be honest for a second.

Thanks for reading. That’s all for now.

-Kamaria