My House Was Dirty and So Was My Truth…
Losing My Rhythm
If you’ve followed along with my Messy Monday series, you know I spend a lot of time cleaning, or at least trying to clean. The truth is, the rooms rarely get fully clean. That’s why it turned into Messy Makeover Mondays because even when I dedicated time to tidying up, the house always seems one step away from chaos.
This summer, it hit me harder than ever. I felt like I had lost all of my feminine wiles the part of me that once took pride in cooking from scratch, deep-cleaning my apartment, and making my space beautiful. In my twenties, those tasks didn’t feel like chores, they felt like a rhythm. But life shifted: parenthood, business ownership, the daily grind. Slowly, cooking and cleaning slid off my plate, and by this summer, I had lost all motivation.
The Cleaner’s Question
My partner thankfully picked up the slack with meals, but the cleaning? That fell into a void. The house became embarrassingly dirty a reality I didn’t even see clearly until we made the decision to hire a professional cleaner.
When she came for the walkthrough, she opened every cabinet, checked every corner, and then asked me point blank if the house had ever been cleaned. Not professionally … ever. At first, I thought it was a language barrier. But no, she meant what she said.
And listen, my ego was bruised. It felt invasive and judgmental. But once she left, I had to admit: she wasn’t wrong. Friends and family often reassure you with “It’s fine, everyone’s busy,” but sometimes you need someone to tell you the truth.
Choosing Honesty Over Comfort
That moment reminded me that discipline matters. Not as a way to chase perfection, but as a way to reclaim peace in my home and in myself. So we decided to hire her. Because if she can boldly call the house dirty, she can boldly clean it too. I don’t need someone to sugarcoat my mess I need someone willing to tackle it head-on.
A Diagnosis and a Reflection
On a deeper level, this experience brought me face-to-face with my recent ADHD diagnosis. Growing up, my mom had piles of things everywhere, and now I see myself repeating that same pattern. I don’t blame my mom not at all. She was present and active, and that mattered so much more than whether the house was spotless or if dinner came from scratch. I have a sneaking suspicion that she may have also lived with things that went undiagnosed for years.
But the way I operate is different: I need a clean house in order to think clearly, create, and function. Being a content creator, a mother, and a business owner requires mental clarity, and when the house is in chaos, I feel like I can’t show up fully.
Making Space for Help
I also recognize the difference in our circumstances. My parents couldn’t have afforded a cleaner they were raising three children. My mom had three kids by 33; I have one. And even though my partner and I are in a dual-income household, it’s still a very tight stretch. But we CAN make it work.
If that means I give up my fancy yoga classes and take yoga at the community center, then that’s what I have to do. If that means canceling Netflix, Hulu, and basically giving up TV altogether so that we can redirect those funds toward a cleaner, then that’s what we’ll do. Peace in our home is worth it.
Mourning & Growing
I think part of why this decision carries so much weight for me is because I mourn a little bit for past versions of myself. The Kamaria who thrived on routines, who leaned on systems that kept her organized even before she knew about her diagnosis.
Motherhood and entrepreneurship have transformed me in ways I love, I’m grateful for the woman I’ve grown into, but I also grieve the version of me who found joy in things I’ve lately let slide.
ADHD and Accountability
And while ADHD, autism, anxiety, and all the other mental health factors that so many of us live with are major life factors, I don’t believe they should be life preventers.
I didn’t even want to share my ADHD diagnosis at first, because I didn’t want to fall into the pattern I sometimes see: where a diagnosis becomes an excuse for every quirk, shortcoming, or frustration. For me, ADHD makes organization harder, but not impossible. That means it’s my responsibility to create systems and routines that make sense for my brain, and to stop doing the things that heighten my disorganization … like smoking on the weekends, even if it helps me calm down.
The truth is, we’re all carrying something. At this point, everyone is navigating mental health challenges, and no pill or label is going to fix our lives for us. It’s on us to find what works, take accountability, and keep moving.
Full Circle to Messy Mondays
So while hiring a cleaner feels like a privilege, because it is, it’s also a choice I’m making to support my family, my peace, and my creativity. It’s one of the ways I’m saying to myself: you don’t have to do everything alone. You can ask for help, you can build systems, and you can find your way back to balance.
And maybe this is what Messy Mondays has been about all along. Not just me standing at the sink or folding laundry, but being honest about the messiness of life the routines we lose, the versions of ourselves we grieve, the diagnoses we wrestle with, and the help we sometimes need to ask for.
Hiring a cleaner doesn’t mean I’ve failed at keeping house; it means I’m giving myself permission to reclaim peace, discipline, and joy in a way that actually works for my life right now. And if sharing that helps someone else feel less ashamed of their own mess then maybe this messy Monday is the cleanest one yet.
